Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
