Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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