elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
