from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
