Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
