He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you would pick up someone in the library
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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