Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
