That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
