my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
