Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
