My cat gives me a boner
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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