They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
