Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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