well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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