The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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