we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
