id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
