I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
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