I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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