She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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