I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
