So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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