my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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