my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
