it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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