I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
