i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
