Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize