I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
