Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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