she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
