My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
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