Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
