Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
