My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
