I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
