my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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