I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
