I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
