Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Randomize
