I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
