Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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