Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
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