why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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