Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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