Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
