I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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