I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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