i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We talked him into tasing himself.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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