I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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