i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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