this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
