Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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