I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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