I will die if light touches me.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
