can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
