dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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